Marital Conflict

There are two types of marital conflict. 68% of the conflict is perpetual, something that because of personality or values you can't (or won't) change. The other type of conflict is solvable. The first step to overcoming conflict is to determine what kind of conflict it is. I will start with solvable.
1. Use a soft startup. You kids know and practice this all the time with Randy and I. You start out with something like, Now don't get mad... or you soften us up someway. You need to complain without blame. You may be justified in blaming but it is not productive. You also need to avoid contempt or critisism. If you let these kinds of conflict go on then you eventually blow up over some insignificant thing.
2. Use "I" statements to tell how you are feeling and describe what is happening without judgment. Be clear in your communication (they can't read minds). Be polite (imagine you are e appreciative of the efforts they do make to build a good relationship.
3. Learn to recieve and make repair attempts. These are things that help you get back on the right track like, Let's start over, or touching them or saying, I need a time out.
4. Soothe yourself and each other. It's harder for men to physically calm down when they get angry (about 20 minute) so give them some time. Ask them how you can help them and what you do that sets them off. Then honor that and don't use that against them.
5. Compromise. Honestly consider their point of view and ask questions so you understand their perspective. Accept their influence. You married them because you valued their opinions so trust them to give you some guidance sometimes.
6. Be tolerant of their faults. We all have them you know. Pres. Hinkley said that most marriages require a high level of mutual tolerance. I have found that to be true in mine. (Although Randy is pretty close to perfection :} it helps to just give them a few allowances from time to time.

I have learned alot about marriage from observing all of you with your marriage challenges. You have what it takes to create strong, resliliant marriages and I learn different skills by watching each one of you. Thanks for your good examples. We love you all.

Everything you need to know you learn from Basketball

Well maybe not everything but I knew I would catch the boys attention with that and you really can learn alot. So with March Madness just around the corner, I thought I would give you a great game plan for a Family Home Evening lesson. We can compare our families to a basketball team. The Father (Heavenly and Earthy) is the head coach, Mom is the offensive coach, Bishops are the defensive coach, and grandparents are the cheerleaders. Our Savior is the owner of our team.

The head coach knows his players well and encourages them to work on weaknesses and use their strengths to build a strong team. The more you rely on his vision, the more confident you will be battling your opponents in the Championship game.

The offensive coach is the mother because she will teach you the fundamentals of the game. She will teach you to dribble (pray), pass (rely on the Holy Ghost) and shoot (study the scriptures). Without those skills you won't be able to play the game well.

Your Bishop acts as the defensive coach because he will help you learn strategies that will protect you from the enemy (Satan).

Grandparents are your fans. They love to watch you improve and play the game well. They will cheer you on and encourage you to do your very best. Grandpa had a cheer on his mission. It was"

We are a team,

Full of pep and steam,

United, undivided

We are working for the Lord!

Our Savior is the owner. He has paid our contract because he knows we are worth the price he paid. He knows how good we are and how we practiced in the pre-mortal life.

We have a great team of dedicated players. We are all working together to achieve the same goal of exaltation. Jimmer Ferdette said "The team gets me the ball." We can't do this game alone and we don't need to try to do it all by ourselves.

This is our roster: Jesus Christ,Pres. Monson, Randy, Cheryl, Amy, Aaron, Michelle, Gabe, Neal, Megan, Lance, Nikki, Kelly, Gage, Kolby, Levi, Zack, Claire, Troy, Kyle, Judd, Hailee, Addie, Raegan,

This is the opposing team roster: Satan, immodesty, bad friends, lies, disrespect, deceit, pornography, alcohol, drugs, stealing, discouragement, fear, bad media, disobedience

There's going to be alot of trash talking. The other team is going to try to tell you they are stronger and that your game plan is flawed, but it's not. Our owner (Jesus Christ) has a secret. He knows who is going to win this game! 1 Chronicles 28:20 Says, Be strong and of good courage, and do it. Fear not, nor be dismayed: for the Lord God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until though hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord.

There is another, 2 Kings 6:16 that says Fear not: For they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

We have a great team! We have a great play book (Plan of Happiness) and we have the Lord on our side. Hymn 120 is Who's on the Lord's side?

Who's on the Lord's side who? Now is the time to show,

We ask it fearlessly,Who's on the Lord's side, Who?

We wage no common war, Fight with no common foe

The enemy's awake, Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

We serve the living God, And want his foes to know,

That, if but few, we're great, Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

We're going on to win, No fear must blanch the brow

The Lord of Hosts is ours, Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

Who's on the Lord's side, Who? Now is the time to show

We ask it fearlessly; Who's on the Lord's side Who?

Let's declare today, who's side we are fighting for and then Live like we Believe!!!

Play Ball!!

Let the Madness Begin

Adam and Eve are our example

This week in my marriage class we were learning about the importance of turning toward each other in little ways, having a how was your day chat, going for a walk, going on dates, calling on the phone to just check in. All of these small things fill your marital bank account and act as a cushion against marital stress. Even if we don't enjoy the same things our spouse does, if we love them enough we will share that with them to build the relationship (I guess I need to start watching more on the Mountain). Adam and Eve are a good example to follow in their marriage. They started out in a garden environment (think of the beautiful gardens at the temples). Life was innocent and easy... and then they had kids. You have to have the misery before you can appreciate the fullness of joy. They put their trust in the plan of happiness and initiated the fall. They were dependent on the atonement to rescue mankind. If we faith in Christ we will trust his progress with our partner (we won't try to take over their perfection) He will help them progess, line upon line, just like he will for us. We need to be patient! We watch you all with admiration at the efforts you make to create your own marriage culture. Each relationship is a little different but each is built upon true principle found in the Family Proclamation. Keep up the good work!

Temple Blessings

I came to more fully realize the blessings of the temple and how actively we need to teach those priesthood principles to our children. I loved the quote from Pres. Benson. “The temple is an ever present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal.” That’s why it’s so important to go often. It reminds us of the eternal picture so the everyday irritants in our marriages or family relationships don’t become the focal point. When I go to the temple my heart is turned to my husband and my family so it’s good to go often.

The Village Marriage

This is a painting called

The Village Wedding that shows how a marriage impacts everyone in a village and is not just an choice between two people. In our society we have been decieved into thinking that personal freedoms are more important than responsible connections. The 60's were the height of marital stability but the feminist movement opened the door for women to leave the home for work. The sexual revolution changed the need of marriage for sex and led the way to elevating individual "Rights". What "I need" became more important than what was good for society. When adults are divorced, they can move on to other things but for children it is the loss of their support system and they have no control over where they go or with whom. Divorce not only causes problems for families but for society. The proclamation to the family states that children are entitled to birth in a home with a mother and a father. Communities need to unite in support of traditional families. Marriage is worth the effort!

Marriage class notes

The classes I'm taking this term are Interpersonal Communication and Marriage so I will be sharing some things I'm learning with anyone who wants to read.

Week one reflective blog:

There were a couple of quotes this week that really impacted my thinking that I want to share and preserve. The first was by Pres. Kimball. “The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”

I have felt more and more lately, that people who believe in family really need to step it up and share with the world the concepts found in the Proclamation on the Family. It’s not going to be enough to just live it ourselves, we will need to actively teach it and share those ideas and vote for leaders who share those same values. We will need to be a light to the world and set the example. This quote just confirmed that feeling. I think especially those who work with Young Women can have a powerful influence of righteous womanhood and a positive example of honoring traditional roles of being happy in homes designed to nurture children. I was amazed at the statistics that showed more educated people marrying at a higher percentage, but that they were not having children. Somewhere in the education process they are getting the idea that children are not a blessing or that having children in not something of value.

The other quote that impressed me was about transitional characters. “God intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families. Although these children may suffer innocently as victims of violence, neglect or exploitation, through the grace of God some find the strength to “purge” the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations. Before them were generations of destructive pain, after them, the line flows clean and pure. Their children and children’s children will call them blessed. Such person’s, in some degree becomes as, “Saviors on mount Zion” by helping to bring salvation to a lineage.”

I am so grateful for transitional characters. Our latter-day church is based on transitional characters. People who were brave enough and had the courage to break out of traditional religious beliefs because they found higher truth. Others are in dysfunctional family patterns and have the courage to break out of those patterns so they can make life better for themselves and the generations to come. My mom was a first generation member of the church and she decided that she wanted to be sealed in the temple. That decision hurt her family deeply because they couldn’t come, but I know our family has been blessed, and will be blessed for generations, because of the faith she exhibited.

I hope you all will think about these things and do what you can to strengthen your own families and be a light to the world.

Thick of thin things

I found this great quote from the prophet. So True...
Important Causes

“We become so caught up in the busyness of our lives. Were we to step back, however, and take a good look at what we’re doing, we may find that we have immersed ourselves in the ‘thick of thin things.’ In other words, too often we spend most of our time taking care of the things which do not really matter much at all in the grand scheme of things, neglecting those more important causes.”
Thomas S. Monson, “What Have I Done for Someone Today?” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 85